Words by Simone West | @simwest7
Images by John Barrett
I’m incredibly perplexed by the rules and nuances of train etiquette. How do I offer a seat to a person on the cusp of being considered elderly without offending them, by accusing them of being old or infirm? – Daniel, 21
As a rule of thumb, I always make eye contact with those who I’m unsure of. The other day, I was on a NSW bus and a teenager offered up her seat to a man who looked to be in his 50s. He said “no thanks, I’m not that old!” It’s almost as awkward as asking a slightly overweight person when their baby is due. If they look like they want to kill you for being selfish, I would definitely put aside your shame. Phrase it in a different way. Rather than simply saying “please, sit” you can say “you need this more than me. I’m young, agile, and attractive, I can stand for long periods of time even though I’ve been wearing heels all day and ran a marathon just yesterday. But please, sit.”
It has come to my attention lately that I’m really lonely. I have a great, supportive family and my friends are always inviting me out, but I can’t shake these intense pangs of emptiness. What can I do? – Vic, 18
You need a hobby. I would suggest creating your own meme page and channelling your negative energy into that. It’s a niche market and you’ll accrue thousands of followers. One of my friends created a meme page about communism and over time has built an empire. He’s up-and-coming in the ‘Most Influential Memers Under 25’ and is a top contender for the winning spot. Otherwise, I would suggest a cooking class, maybe a Greek one because they’re super friendly. You’ll have a new old lady willing to be your friend in no time.
I’m really tall and I get super offended when people liken me to a giraffe. I want to be something cute, like a koala bear. People also always want me to be the big spoon, but just once, ONCE, I would like to be the little spoon. How can I go about having this conversation with all the miniature people in my life? – Marie, 27
Small people will never admit this, but they relish being big spoons. To have the ability to crush and envelope a large person with our legs, it’s like the equivalent of the female red back spider eating the male after they have sex. Power is everything, and if you’re the little spoon in the relationship, you need to assert that power. Tell your partner that you want to be dominated – no one is going to say no to that.
I’m super narcissistic and can’t stop staring at my reflection. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem, but my dates have lately noticed. When I’m in a cafe facing the mirrored wall, I will stare at myself instead of my date. I look at myself for my entire 30 minute bus ride in the window in the morning. My life coach has told me that this is actually healthy – that so many people my age hate the way they look. But when does loving yourself turn into blatant narcissism? Where do you draw the line? – Pete, 24
As long as you’re not hurting anyone, it’s healthy. As long as you’re not obsessing over how bad you look, then it’s fine. If you told me that you were constantly staring at yourself because you hate the way you look, I would tell you to see a psychologist. But I’m not concerned. Love yourself, treat yourself, obsess over yourself, be yourself. Vibes.