The week has come for my twelfth bog post, which also means that it’s my stint here at Catalyst has ended.
I am sure you are very sad, as am I. My greatest fear is that after this blog you dismiss all other news. So, here are some very convincing and non preachy reasons for you to go and consume news.
You’ll actually be able to talk about what an idiot Tony Abbott is
A personal message to my friends on Facebook: please, please, please stop making comments on politics if all you do is copy what other people say on the internet. Not only does it make you look stupid, but then there are people who actually read the news, who cry on the inside (sometimes they cry on the outside too), thinking that you are probably an idiot.
Once you go find stuff out about Abbott, you can actually have an opinion about him, and then take part in discussions. Rather than having super cool Facebook arguments about how you’re going to leave the country if he doesn't legalise same-sex marriage.
Plus, you can impress all the adults around you and you won’t be regarded as a delinquent.
You’ll be good at telling the weather
Generally, when you consume news, the weather forecast comes hand-in-hand with it. So, next time someone asks the weather you’ll be able to give tell people if they need a jumper or not. (Which they do, because it’s Melbourne. Duh.)
Another perk of keeping up with the news is that you can make incredibly witty jokes about Gina Rinehart, and how she probably farts a lot. And as we all know, fart jokes are the best jokes.
You’ll never miss a beat
Obviously, you’ll be keeping up with the world news events and whatever. But in my opinion, the best part about news is all the funny shit that happens. For example, older gentlemen getting their shit all over a court bathroom, or a boob whale being discussed in question time and it being hilarious.
You will also have the opportunity to look at Christopher Pyne’s face and listen to him say stupid things, surprising no-one.
Oh god he is so disgusting.
You’ll become cynical and depressed about everything
Cynicism can often be marketed as a bad thing, but I like to think of it as “understanding the true workings of the world”.
With this deeper understanding, you may find it hard to enjoy the simple things, but hey, at least you totally understand the world around you and aren’t naïve.
When you do get too down in the dumps about knowing too much news and all the sad things happening in Syria, and the huge spike of shootings in Victoria, remember that you can always laugh at Clive Palmer when he sings about pie.
More significantly though, when you watch A Current Affair, you can point at the TV and shout “HOW IS THIS SUCCESSFUL? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY? WHY ARE YOU SO RACIST?”
You can also watch Ten Eyewitness News and constantly ask the person sitting next to you “why is it EYEWITNESS news? I don’t get it? What’s the point? Who was the witness?”
It’s guaranteed to keep you entertained for hours, I promise.
“BUT ALL THE BORING NEWS WEBSITES ARE BORING THAT’S WHY I DON’T READ NEWS BECAUSE IT’S BORING”
Lucky for you, as someone studying journalism, I have managed to come across news websites that are actually not boring and interesting for your happy reference.
Junkee is a website about news for people who are very cool (i.e. you). They post things like reviews about Embarrassing Bodies Down Under, to why HIV is on the rise in Australia. All their articles are well written, funny, snarky, etc, etc. It’s just a good site, okay? You’ll like it.
Some people don’t like Vice, I am undecided. Their entire mantra is to be as hipster as is viable, and so they run news stories such as Halloween in a Satanic Household. Their stories are a bit hit and miss, but they do have merit to them. Super edgy, etc. They're sorrrrt of like the next generation of MTV, but more smart to it. I wouldn’t recommend you show it to your mum, though.
The Daily Dot is about internet-type news, so you can tell that all the writers for it love Reddit. Not that this is a bad thing, but there are a lot of articles about how cool Reddit is. Nonetheless, it’s an easy to navigate website, with really well written articles. My all-time favourite was the articles they wrote about someone trying to crowd fund a fan fiction about One Direction vs Westboro Baptist church. So there you go.
This is just generally well-written news and commentary. That’s it. Sort of grass roots, “did you miss this?” type journalism. This is where I found the story about the guy pooping his pants all over a restroom.
If you want to sound smart and make social commentaries, read the onion and make witty jokes about it. Please note that The Onion is news parody. Not real. Parody.
So read the news, padawans.
Goodbye forever! If forever is too long for you, you can read my stupid words on Twitter @winakey. Thanks to Dragana, Andrei, and Nathan for being super cool editors over the year. Special thanks to Nathan for editing most of my blogs and dealing with the plethora of typos.