No Sauce Required: Not the News

0 Posted by - 19/10/2013 - Blogs

News values are this thing designed to tell you if something is worth of being news or not. Generally, you want to have three or more news values within a story for it to be considered newsworthy.

However, it seems that everyone is trying too hard to be too cool and they are treating the rule of news values as if it's just a funny thing that shouldn't really be considered.

People like this include Andrew Bolt, a respected journalist and generally handsome man*. Below, I have documented news stories and added my predictions of what Andrew Bolt might say about this.

Mostly though, I wanted everyone to see this great photo of Andrew. It might not have much to do with the blog.

Enjoy, things that are not news.

*This is a lie.

INTERNET SUBCULTURES THAT HAVE DONE NOTHING OF VALUE RECENTLY OTHER THAN HAVE A MEET UP IN A PARK.

Last Sunday, The Age (Melbourne’s most respected, lefty, well regarded daily), thought it would be intellectual and just really, really important to have their front page as BRONY MEET UP IN MELBOURNE.

And you thought I was kidding.

Bronies, for those who don’t like subcultures, are adult men who watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic in a super genuine way (read: they don’t fap to it or think the horsies are sexy). It’s a weird audience to have, but it makes sense because they’re doing this thing called creating counter-culture. There’s a lot to say on the topic, but let’s save that for another day, when I’m not writing a funny blog about things that aren’t news.

Anyway, The Age took the liberty to document a Brony meet up in Melbourne last week. This is all fine and dandy, but I would also like to draw your attention to everything else that was in the news on the Saturday prior: Socceroos coach sacked. Asylum seekers killed on their voyage. Hell’s Angels raids. Shopping centre shooting in New South Wales. Government shutdown continues and starts to fuck with the economy.

But sure, yeah. Brony meet ups are probably a bit more important.

“Bronies? What are Bronies? I definitely have not heard of Bronies, or My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Definitely not. What? No, these sunglasses are definitely not me pretending to be Rainbow Dash wearing sunglasses. For sure.”

FAT LADY LOOKS TO GET FATTER

One of the main points for this story is that she eats a dozen tacos for dinner. That’s how she gets in her calories. Wow. Just, wow.

If that kind of wow factor isn’t enough for you, she has said some really meaningful things like this:

“I'd love to find out of its humanly possible to reach a ton” and, “The bigger I get … the more confident and sexy I feel.”

Now, don’t get me wrong here,  I have no real qualms with weight/how big or small you should be/all that shit, but then she also says things that are downright stupid, and then (to make matters even worse), they were actually put in the article. “Why shouldn't I push the limits and see how fat I can get and stay healthy?’”

“I love being healthy!”

She also says that she just gave up on weight loss because she “naturally” couldn’t stop gaining weight. Much like it is also natural to eat twelve giant tacos for dinner. Sure.

“What a hero, what a story. I cried. And I only cry when stories are really good.”

WOMAN STRUGGLES TO DRIVE

In the struggle of The Age to try to fit into the digital era, they’ve started doing short news segments for their website, in which they recap news stories and things that they think readers should know about. One such thing is this video.

In a classic case of shit guys, we have no content. What’s trending on YouTube?, The Age has yet again proved its superior skill in finding stuff on the internet and somehow making terrible driving newsworthy.

I mean, this would be totally acceptable if they hadn’t actually categorised it as news, but let’s me honest here: driving badly does not constitute news unless you have killed someone and/or are famous. So let’s just leave it at that.

It makes it ever more comical when they have 'Tessa ven dar Riet reporting' supered over the top of the video, and she comes in with a very smooth newspeak voice to make it even more like the news.

Oh, and don’t put shitty violin music in the overlay. When has SBS World News Australia done shitty violin music in the background? Never. Take notes.

“She was probably on drugs and alcohol because she looks like a young person. How much do you want to bet she was Asian?”

Anything on ACA

The above clip is from about three years ago, but any video where a man pretends to be a vicious dog has to go on a blog of mine.

“What an intelligent man! He reminds me a bit of me, Andrew Bolt”

THE BOLT REPORT

Andrew Bolt has clearly gone and done an internship over at Fox news, and learned the techniques to being fair and balanced.

When he’s attempting to look fair and balanced, it seems that the producers go and look for a weedy looking left win gexpert, and sit him next to a big and strong right wing expert. He looks even worse when he’s next to the handsome Mr Bolt himself.

If you watch the Bolt Report, I would like to remind you that the host wears sunglasses like this.

“Best fucking show ever. Nothing wrong with it. It is perfect. I am perfect. I love sunglasses!”

Samantha Winnicki

blog

zp8497586rq

No comments