No Sauce Required: The Murdoch Saga

0 Posted by - 09/08/2013 - Blogs

Politics can be boring, so instead I’ve rehashed a story that has been running all week and made it more like Twilight. I have renamed it The Murdoch Saga.

Click here to see the original story, so that everything makes sense.

TL;DR

A super powerful guy called Murdoch is publishing mean stuff about Kevin Rudd. Rudd thinks it’s a conspiracy between Abbott and Murdoch, because both Abbott and Murdoch benefit if Abbott wins.

For argument's sake, I’ve cast members of this feud as characters in the Twilight Saga. The best bit is, you can watch them simulcast on ABC24 and iView. You won’t miss a beat!

Rupert Murdoch owns about 75 per cent of the media you read, watch, and listen to. He rarely smiles, is quite skinny, and some would argue that he is crazy. It is for these reasons that I have assigned him to the role of Bella Swan.

Kevin Rudd is the leader of the Labor Party, and is the Prime Minister of Australia. He is round faced, has strangely wet lips, and is rarely seen in the sun. He recently booted out Julia Gillard (a red head, just like Victoria from Twilight. Coincidence? I think not) for the role of PM. Thus, he has incredibly clear parallels with Edward Cullen.

Finally, we have Tony Abbott, the leader of the Liberal Party, the opposition. He is often

shirtless. As is Jacob Black. Enough said.

There are some clear parallels in the events that take place in the Twilight Saga and this week’s events. However, if they aren’t blatantly obvious to you, I’ll outline them:

– You can be Team Jacob or Team Edward (i.e. if you’re over 18, you’ll have to vote one of them and then they’ll be your leader for the next three years. Hot.)

– There is conflict, love, and hate.

– If you watch enough TV and read enough, it’ll consume your life, and you’ll end up writing blog pieces about it because it’s the only thing you find interesting.

– All three main characters are incredibly good looking (please refer to above images).

– There are a lot of conversations that are pretty useless in the scheme of things, and a lot of the time the audience is like “JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY!”

– A standalone fanfic of the events is likely to inspire the production of a fully-fledged erotic novel.

– Jacob and Edward could probably be friends; because they’re on polar opposites of a spectrum they can never be friends because of what they stand for. They both want the love of Bella.

But differences are also important. Here is why The Murdoch Saga is a more heart wrenching story than Twilight.

– Although their passion is not outwardly apparent, we know it is there; a forbidden, timeless love.

– Rudd is probably not in love with Murdoch, and they will probably not spend the rest of their lives together. While they did in fact, hang out in the past, the relationship seems to have broken down, as they both realised that they want different things in life.

– I am fairly sure that Tony Abbott does not ride a motorcycle. But he does love bike riding.

– Kevin Rudd didn’t play the role of Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter, although is probably magic.

– There are no vampires in the Murdoch Saga, but it has been said that Rupert Murdoch himself is possibly immortal.

– No awkward kissing scenes.

Point Proven:

The Murdoch Saga is definitely a better love story than Twilight. While there are a lot of similarities in characters, one can easily argue that those of The Murdoch Saga are far more attractive and interesting.

Oh wait, did I say no awkward kissing scenes? Oops. I was wrong.

Not his wife or daughter. Awkward as. Source: Fairfax Media

Ruddoch? Murbbott? Rabbott??

Only you can decide who to ship in The Murdoch Saga.

In other news …

Scientists made a meat burger without the killing animals bit. Apparently it was a bit dry. Butchers got angry.

This One Nation candidate doesn’t “support Islam as a country”. Lucky for her, Islam isn’t a country.

There’s a TV show about getting your period for the first time. It’s called The Camp Gyno. Yep.

Maccas burgers are the healthiest food ever?

I watched this video of a dog barking to a song called A Midnight Tango. Please watch it.

Samantha Winnicki

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You have just read what will be a weekly blog about news and current affairs with some amount of humour and impeccable writing skill. For mundane and often terrible tweets from your author, follow @winakey.

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