On the money shot: porn reviews

0 Posted by - 06/03/2014 - Arts & Culture, Long, Reviews

Has the quality and storytelling within pornography deteriorated over time, or has it diversified and adapted to the fast-paced, quick-fix world we live in? David Ross reviews four pornography films from around the world—two made in the ‘90s, a roaring decade in which many of us were born, and two from 2013.   Mystery of the Convent (1993) Il Mistero Del Convento is just as the title says. An Italian gem from the Golden Age of pornography with good, old fashioned nun-sploitation. There’s actually a fairly long history of nun-sploitation going at least back to the ‘70s and really, what with erotic novels/ images, even further than that. Set in 1944, in the dying days of the post-D-Day landings, it charts the discovery of a convent of conveniently young and lustful nuns by a coincidentally equally irresistible German speaking American soldier. I’m going off uniforms and helmets here—bear with me—who in parlance to history speak German, except our German-speaking protagonist is actually a French actor. The reason I say they’re Americans is that director Mario Salieri has seen fit to dress them in green-camo with American-style helmets. If I could understand the dialogue more fully we’d know more fully. Only the best will be found from Salieri, winner of the 2008 Best Director of the European X Award. So if that’s the case then there’s none of that Anglosphere-centric worldview where everybody speaks English, just with an accent showing where they’re really coming from. This time everyone speaks German and I’m completely lost. Salieri has worked in the industry since the early ‘90s, producing and directing films such as Roman Orgies – Italian Perversions and House of Crooked Women. Filmed at what could really be a convent – or at least an old, stone, building with rooms—Mystery of the Convent offers a little less mystery, a little more clerical themed hard-core pornography. With the whole film in German—considering the actors and actresses—it leaves more to the imagination of non-German speakers; could it be that the dulcet tones of the US officer Christopher Clark are too irresistible to this convent? Considering the content of the film there’s certainly something to the American (German) that I’m missing. It’s difficult to comment on the quality of the acting. However, the crux of the piece, the meetings of two or more individuals, is not suspect. Indeed, it is executed repeatedly throughout without fail. The camera/ lighting work through the whole film is well executed. Salaciousness is no excuse for poor work with Salieri. His approach with close-ups and nun-sploitation with religious figures reappears in The Return of Don ToninoIl Ritorno Di Don Tonino—which too features nun and priest frivolities with the parishioners. Perhaps this reflects Italy’s long and sometimes complicated history with the Catholic Church and its omnipresence through the long years of history, or maybe everyone just liked a good nun/ priest romp. Mystery of the Convent offers what one might expect of porn about nuns in a convent-cum-bawdyhouse thanks to the addition of irresistible US Officer Christopher Clark. A must-see on the nun-porn circuit. Surely you would be mad to miss it – 9/10 Sahara (1998) The name says it all, sandy dunes, sandy women, swarthy men, sandy costumes and sandy sex. Spurted out in only 1998, the video quality suggests the decade before. This might be the result of the prolific Italian producer-director-cinematographer Joe D’Amato. Known for his contributions to spaghetti westerns, horror, war movies, swashbuckling-pirate films, sword-and-sandal, fantasy and of course soft-and-hard-core pornography, his reputation for producing crap stands as strong as ever. Sahara charts the travel of two wealthy businessmen to Morocco in their search to buy a leather company while they are treated to a series of local ‘delights’. Interestingly, the film was released under the title Queen of Elephants Part 2: Sahara, yet it features no elephants nor is it seemingly a sequel to Queen of the Elephants 1. Instead, it features some of the same actors in different roles. Perhaps one of the sandier offerings from the Golden Age of Porn, it offers a European perspective, one so often lacking in the days of digital distribution. The film really peaks with sweeping shots of brown haired man X and blonde woman Y doing-the-do on what might be described as a rock in the desert, framed tastefully between two low palms with sheer-rock mountains lingering in the background. You thought you were getting some serious, sock-rocking, knee-knocking action? You thought right. Not only do socks get rocked by a variety of large bosomed women and indeterminately ethnic men but it is handled through and through with sandy, desert-themed cultural appropriation more at home in Italian pornography…than Italian pornography. In addition to all that you can look forward to a variety of bland looking interiors each promising equally exhilarating, décor. Sitting down to watch Sahara is equivalent of having all your bones scooped out with several undersized ice cream scoops. It simply never fails to disappoint. Full frontal nudity. Full rear nudity. All kinds of nudity. That’s what’s in store for you, discerning reader, when you get yourself in place to watch Sahara, the hot, dry-rub of a movie. If you’ve ever thought there was nothing quite as good as sand, sex and poor choices for camera angles and dialogue—not to mention in another language—then you’ll find a movie with everything for you. Refreshing to see a time and a place when all things weren’t quite perfect, when the hair was there and the people as well. For the discerning connoisseur of hard-core pornography this movie is a must. A real classic from the Golden Age of Porn. A class act with plenty of anal – 10/10 A Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming (2013)   Taking a more recent pornographic perspective on popular culture, A Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming gives you just what you’d expect, a reinterpretation of A Game of Thrones as hardcore pornography—something not too far from reality considering the content of some scenes. Really, it’s a bit more family friendly than something like, oh, the Red Wedding? If you haven’t seen that you’re missing out. Lacking some of the gilding of golden-oldie’s from the heyday of VHS, A Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming, takes a more direct approach to porn-parody. It’s porn, but it’s Game of Thrones porn. You can’t really ask more than that. Lee Roy Myers makes do with largely uninspiring sets with the essential components: the two or more persons, fulfilling their assigned tasks. Most sets feature coloured backing to match the areas in the real Game of Thrones – the regal red of the first scene equating to Kings Landing’s red-toned whorehouses. One notable addition to this is the Iron Throne, in this case forged of dicks rather than swords. The penis is truly mightier than the sword. But don’t let the costumes or the sets get in the way of a good showing like this. It’s what you came for. Featuring a cast of stars, big names (and otherwise) in the industry, A Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming shows what it would really be like if Game of Thrones were reimagined as a sex-filled romp show. Or is it that already? Perhaps. Perhaps if there’d been a bigger budget with more sweeping shots and less gonzo-close-ups, it’d fill the big shoes (and pants) Game of Thrones really leaves behind. In terms of parody porn offerings it comes in strong but it doesn’t quite have the milage to keep an audience fixed intently to their screens for the almost hour and 45 minutes run-time. HBO should consider dropping filming any future season sex-scenes and leave it to the pros – 6/10 Lesbians with Big Butts! (2013) For a change of pace, it’s time for something more ‘new’. With a little less plot and a little less acting, Lesbians with Big Butts!—producedfor the Bangbros ‘Ass Parade’ site—gives it to the audience , no ifs or buts—aside from the big butts. It’s not exactly clear where the whole ‘lesbian’ part of the title comes from but at least they make the effort to justify it without thinking too hard about what exactly lesbian means. Boasting some 42 minutes of a bit of something, I guess you might count the first 20 or so minutes of lusty lady action as fulfilling those lesbian criteria. So there’s that. At least the claim of ‘Big Butts’ isn’t doubtable. Offering a

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little more of the traditional perspective Lesbians with Big Butts! doesn’t skimp on the offerings. If you come into this expecting ass ‘n titties to blaze across your screen then you will not be disappointed. The only problem with Lesbians with Big Buttsis that it’s thoroughly uninspiring, it’s essentially the same thing that’s been keeping American porn industry chugging along. Good, but predictable – 7/10 By David Ross @FakeDavidRoss

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