Australian politics is boring. Let’s take a week off and look at what else has been going on around the world.
1. Bodybuilder has drug party on German chancellor’s plane.
Yes, you heard it here first (unless you read it on the news before). Some body builder, only known as Volkan T (which is a great bodybuilder name), broke into Angela Merkel’s private plane, grabbed a fire extinguisher and sprayed it everywhere.
Merkel’s face when she realised she couldn’t have a cocaine party.He then got into the cockpit, pressed a bunch of buttons, activated the emergency alarm (which in turn activated the inflatable slides), then got on the plane wing and had a dance.
Of course, the emergency alarm also alerted security, and they consequently found
Volkan T, still dancing, having the freaking time of his life.
It should be no surprise to hear that Volkan had no intention of getting off the plane. It took him a two whole dog bites to the leg to get him to hobble off. Oh, I should also mention that he was only in his underpants the whole time. Also, he was totally high. So yeah. Germany!
2. Meanwhile, in Spain: badly restored Jesus painting has become a tourist attraction.
Remember this painting?
After this image stormed the internet, the church involved has received a bunch of tourism so that people can see how funny it is in real life.
In fact, it became so popular that the church, located in a place called Borja, started charging about $1.50 (AUD) for people to go in and see it.
Even more interesting, the restorer Cecilia Gimenez is going to get 49 per cent of the profits made from a marketing agreement.
Yes, the terrible restoration that you see above is going to appear on things like t-shirts, coffee cups, and wine bottles. Personally, I am also hoping for masks and aprons. Signed on Wednesday, apparently Gimenez is not concerned with being rich and famous, but rather, just wants the church to do well. I’m sure she has thanked God for blessing her with bad restoration skills.
As the old adage goes “everyone has talent, and even if you’re shit, you can still do some good if you have a good heart.”*
*This is not an old adage, I just made it up. I’m pretty good with words.
3. THE MAFIA INVEST IN RENEWABLE ENERGY.
This is sort of old news, but the novelty is such that I couldn’t let this pass.
The Italian organised crime group have clearly considered their options and decided that the most profitable investment to make with their suitcases full of cash is Green Energy. Oh, and they’re also investing in the internet.
I don’t know about you, but when I hear people say “I want to invest in green energy and also the internet”, I hear one of two things:
“I am really smart and know that these industries are going to grow.”
OR
“Have you heard of the Pirate Party? They’re all about internet and green energy. I’m going to vote for them this election.”
To be honest though, most of the novelty comes from the fact that when I hear ‘renewable energy’ and ‘Mafia’ in the same sentence, I imagine a man being thrown into a wind turbine because he hasn’t come in on his side of the deal. Rather than, you know, getting cement on his feet and being thrown into a river. Is that just me?
4. It’s the Month of the Hungry Ghosts in Malaysia.
Much to the surprise of Malaysians, there continues to be quite a bit of tourism in the month of August, despite this being the time that hell gates open for hungry ghosts. As the name implies, ghosts of people who were poor come out to haunt this month; trying to get what they can from the living.
The Month of Hungry Ghosts has sort of become the Halloween of the east, and as such, a lot of people don’t take it as seriously as it once was (similar to how no one actually knows the history behind Halloween). My prediction: young women in Malaysia will one day be dressing as stripper ghosts.
5. Bradley Manning is Chelsea Manning now.
The news of the day! Man wants to become woman! Will be referred to as she! How newsworthy! Manning gave us all these secret documents and now will be referred to as a woman! Amazing! NEWS.
In other (political) news …
1. Tony Abbott tells Kevin Rudd to “shut up” in the second election debate. All I could think of was this scene from Donnie Darko:
2. Gaffes. So many gaffes. Abbott makes a dad joke about the sex appeal of a fellow federal candidate. Everyone exploded.
3. Assange’s Wikileaks party is showing signs of slowly breaking down.
4. This video. Politicians are genuinely funny. I wonder what drugs everyone was slipped that made them willingly agree to do weird shit.
5. Again, Syria, Egypt. It’s a difficult situation to get your head around, but it needs attention.
Next week: What is it with all the ads for Canberra tourism?
Samantha Winnicki
