No Sauce Required: A Guide To This Week’s Conspiracy Theories

Over the past week, one event has dominated the news: the four-day mall siege in Nairobi, Kenya.

In a nutshell, on Saturday 21 September attackers (claiming to be from terrorist group al-Shabaab), entered a reasonably tourist-populated shopping center, began shooting and took hostages. The siege continued for about four days, until finally, in an all-out effort, security forces launched an attack. A fire took over the mall and it more or less collapsed.

Sixty-one civilians, six security officers and five terrorists were killed, with more than 10 suspects arrested.

Al-Shabaab is a militant group from Somalia. The group quickly took responsibility for the attack, and cited the fact that the Kenyan army is currently occupying Somalia. They’re not very happy with this.

So, not quite a week after the Mall siege in Kenya, the internet, radical left, radical right, and general radicals have yet again come to conclusions not yet reached by the mainstream media. These conclusions are also known as conspiracy theories. I have made a list of my favourites.

1. Obama is linked because he is Kenyan

In America there are these people called 'birthers'. Birthers are people who believe that Obama is not a true American because, well, he’s black. And therefore born in Kenya.

The birthers had a field day when they heard about the Mall siege in Nairobi. Their theory is that because Obama is actually a Kenyan, he definitely had something to do with the siege.

In fact, one lady who runs a radio show in America, Sandy Rios, had this to say:

“The implications of this are pretty frightening and of course it’s interesting that this (Kenya) is the country from which our President hails. This is his lineage. We know his cousin Raila Odinga is a Muslim communist. It’s just amazing. I think he’s the Prime Minister right now.”

It’s great because using just a few words she has managed to successfully link Obama to Kenya, Muslims, and communism. I mean, if someone is saying it on the internet, it must be true, right?

To make matters even worse, in June Obama made a trip to Tanzania, which is in Africa, which is the exact same continent as Kenya. So. Crazy.

1.a. Obama actually orchestrated the mall siege

Leading conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has long held the view that al-Qaeda is run by the American government, no doubt about it. One hundred per cent, for sure.

That’s exactly why al-Shaabab orchestrated the mall siege. You see, according to Jones, al-Qaeda (aka the U.S. government) invited al-Shabaab to attack the mall in Kenya. So actually, Obama was behind it all.

This theory is linked with the greater New World Order conspiracy theory, which basically says that eventually the entire world will be run under a one rule, totalitarian system (think Nineteen Eighty-Four). Through a series of events and fear mongering, the U.S. want to take over the world.

2. There were water bottles all over the place at the mall

This one is my personal favourite. Photos have emerged with water bottles in them. Someone has gone and collated all the mall siege photos with water bottles in them for no reason.

The below video very clearly shows that there are loads of water bottles all over the place at Westgate Mall. The maker of the video concedes that there was TOO MUCH WATER and THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT MOTIVE.

Watching this video, my thought was initially that perhaps the water bottles had some sort of petrol in them. Or you know, maybe they had water in them, so that people could drink water.

But alas! My logical conclusion was wrong. The water bottles were used to add water to FAKE BLOOD.

Woah! Woah woah woah! Fake blood! So everyone must have you can pretended they got blood on them, were generally great at acting and pretended that there are terrorists in a mall. It makes so much sense!

My mind is blown.

3. The photos are too good

Linking on from the fake blood theory, quite a few people have decided that the photos in the mall are too good, and therefore the entire siege was in fact staged.

Looking at these photos, I can sympathise with this theory the most. On the other hand though, the Westgate Mall is a rather touristy mall, bound to be full of people with good cameras. I’m sure a lot of people imagined it would be good to get a buttload of money for some sweet photos.

Dat camera angle.

But if this was truly staged, I like to mostly imagine someone telling the actors in the mall that a day of work has ended. Then everyone stops acting and just hangs out at a four day sleep over, complete with popcorn and girly movies.

Surely though, these theories are a too crazy to be plausible.

In other news …

1. People accidentally killed their iPhones after seeing a fake ad claiming a software update makes your phone waterproof.
2. Tony Abbott continues to make

Dad jokes about things that need a higher level of maturity than Dad jokes.
3. Grand Final tomorrow. That's news, I guess.
4. Barilla (pasta makers) say that would never use same sex couples in their ads because, ew.
5. After they were fired by the government, the Australian Climate Council is crowdfunding.

Samantha Winnicki



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