No Sauce Required: What Hasn’t Been in the News?

Often, “what hasn't been in the news this week?” is just as important question as “what has been in the news this week?”

Today, I will be answering this most pressing question.

The U.S. Government

The U.S. government hasn’t been in the news because, well, there is no government.

OK, yes, there is a government. But it’s currently not functioning as a proper government.

At its most simplistic level, the government has shut down. The people who run the government couldn’t make up their minds on how to spend their money. Now, much like a married couple, both sides of the argument are giving the each other silent treatment and waiting for the other to fold. It’s a stalemate – both parties think they’re right and the other is wrong.

But Samantha, what what happens when the government shuts down?

Glad you asked.

Basically a government shutdown means that all non-essential government services will stop, thereby closing up shop at places like:

– Yosemite National Park (home of the double rainbow).

– NASA (personally I was always under the impression that it was an essential service, but sure. Thanks, Obama.)

– All the museums and art galleries.

– Department of Health (again, has always thought that health was pretty important to like, staying alive.)

All up, there are about 800,000 people out of work, and will remain to be until the government resolves its marital issues.

Men Going to Jail for Pooping

Earlier this year, a man was sent to jail for a week because he explosively shat all over a room.

Official records state that he “wilfully damaged and created a hazard and nuisance in the federal courthouse in Portland,” but “shitting all over the place” sounds a lot funnier.

Apparently our pooping man (who will henceforth be known as Poop Machine) was on official business in a federal court house. Being an older man, he was on heart medication – which gives you some incredibly loose bowels.

Upon entering the building, Poop Machine promptly informed a security guard that he was shitting himself and had to use a restroom immediately. Because Poop Machine was shitting himself, he obviously had to strip naked and try to clean himself up of shit. Here is his testimony:

“I stood up again and I kept wiping myself and then I sat down to put my socks back on. I didn’t have any boxers at that time, so I put my socks back on. I put my jeans back on, you know, I’ve been – I don’t know if you’ve ever had an incident in the kitchen where you have something spill or something, you’re grabbing everything and anything trying to mop up milk or — I don’t know if you’ve ever spilled spaghetti sauce and there’s meat, you’re trying to get it up as quick as you can. And that’s – basically it was just like this frenetic pace, but it was repulsive, I mean, the smell was — and I was embarrassed, I mean, here I had used the bathroom in my pants, a 50-year-old man and I was in a federal courthouse. It was very, very embarrassing.”

Something must have gone wrong though, because according to the cleaner, the bathroom was 75 per cent covered in shit with poop “smeared more than two feet up on the walls”.

If only this kind of crap happened every week.

The Federal Election

It hasn’t been in the news because the federal election was last month. Good one, dummy.

“GOOD ONE” says Christopher Pyne, Minister for Education

Lack of Meth Production

One day after the finale of Breaking Bad, ABC launched day full of “TOO MUCH METH ON AUSTRALIAN LAND”.

Some might say that this is just a coincidence, but I totally think that it’s because everyone at the Australian Broadcasting Corporation were really into Breaking Bad, and couldn’t let go.

Hence, 7:30, ABC Online and ABC Radio ran stories all day about the explosion of crystal meth popularity in the past couple of years. Leigh Sales must be really into Breaking Bad.

Fart Jokes

Why have there been no fart jokes?

You know, I find this question really hard to answer. Why are there no fart jokes?

Here are the pros of fart jokes in the news:

1. They’re funny.

2. Makes people more engaged because they’re looking for fart jokes to laugh at.

3. If and when you (as the reader) fart while reading the news, you

feel more connected to the article you’re reading.

So in conclusion, I really see no reason for there to be no fart jokes in the news.

What's actually been in the news?

1. Caged eggs are being phased out by Woolworths.

2. Germany does politicky things while all of Europe watches.

3. Abbott goes to Indonesia and it's awkward.

4. Julia Gillard did some talks for the first time since she got booted.

5. Bill Gates regrets the day he invented ctrl+alt+delete.

Samantha Winnicki



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