At its most simplistic level, the government has shut down. The people who run the government couldn’t make up their minds on how to spend their money. Now, much like a married couple, both sides of the argument are giving the each other silent treatment and waiting for the other to fold. It’s a stalemate – both parties think they’re right and the other is wrong.
But Samantha, what what happens when the government shuts down?
Earlier this year, a man was sent to jail for a week because he explosively shat all over a room.
Official records state that he “wilfully damaged and created a hazard and nuisance in the federal courthouse in Portland,” but “shitting all over the place” sounds a lot funnier.
Apparently our pooping man (who will henceforth be known as Poop Machine) was on official business in a federal court house. Being an older man, he was on heart medication – which gives you some incredibly loose bowels.
Upon entering the building, Poop Machine promptly informed a security guard that he was shitting himself and had to use a restroom immediately. Because Poop Machine was shitting himself, he obviously had to strip naked and try to clean himself up of shit. Here is his testimony:
“I stood up again and I kept wiping myself and then I sat down to put my socks back on. I didn’t have any boxers at that time, so I put my socks back on. I put my jeans back on, you know, I’ve been – I don’t know if you’ve ever had an incident in the kitchen where you have something spill or something, you’re grabbing everything and anything trying to mop up milk or — I don’t know if you’ve ever spilled spaghetti sauce and there’s meat, you’re trying to get it up as quick as you can. And that’s – basically it was just like this frenetic pace, but it was repulsive, I mean, the smell was — and I was embarrassed, I mean, here I had used the bathroom in my pants, a 50-year-old man and I was in a federal courthouse. It was very, very embarrassing.”
Something must have gone wrong though, because according to the cleaner, the bathroom was 75 per cent covered in shit with poop “smeared more than two feet up on the walls”.