No Sauce Required: SEX

0 Posted by - 20/09/2013 - Blogs

Sextember is here! It’s like September, but with more gentials. Sextember is called so for many reason

1. Sex is Latin for six, or 6. Traditionally, September was the sixth month in the year. Go figure.

2. In a sexually charged society such as ours, as if people weren’t going to come up with ‘Sextember’. You’re all filthy.

It’s also there for me to have a giggle at words like erect and wanger.

So obviously we’re going to talk about sex, dear reader. You can find the original news stories in all their morning glory in the headings.

 1. Chris Anderson, Miami Heat role-player, cleared of sexy identity theft.

This guy, who is probably known to you guys as Cool Basketball Guy, has his entire identity stolen  including his credit card details, phone number, email, social media, bank records, and his gaming console.

A 29-year-old woman thought that she would probably appear to be a lot sexier on the internet if she posed as this sexy basketballer. She set up an online relationship with a younger woman, and of course, eventually asked for some nudes.

Of course, because the identity theft was so carefully planned out, our cool basketball guy copped the blame and had all of his internet-related things seized, as well as, of course, having the label of I Commit Internet Crimes Against Young Children.

Thankfully, the 29-year-old woman who posed as Anderson has since been arrested. Anderson is allegedly “very happy and relieved”.

“My one true love is basketball and tattoos.” (Not a real quote)

 2. Homosexual Russian Hotspots Revealed.

Ah, Soviet Russia. The days of banned homosexuality and scarce food. What better way to combat it than having gay sex at the biggest landmarks of the capital?

In a new book titled Moscow, photographer Yevgeniy Fiks has captured all the popular sexy hotspots, coupled with interviews from homosexual Soviets who just wanted to get it on.

In a very sneaky move, it turned out most of the popular sex-hookup spots were the capitals own hotspots: the most popular tourist attractions. What a way to stick it up the man! I salute you, homosexual soviet Russians.

Explosions of joy erupting everywhere.

3. GTA V released, it is very sexy.

Controversial and risqué to say the least, Grand Theft Auto is all about stealing cars, taking drugs, spending money, being a pimp, robbing and (my personal favourite) getting poontang.

It works like this: if you want to get a sexy lap dance from a sexy lady at a strip club, you have to do things like chat them up and touch them in a sexy way to get the ‘like’ meter to increase. And then of course if the sexy lady likes you enough, you get to have a sexy lap dance.

Once you have got a stripper’s like meter up high enough, you can take her home. If she likes you even more, she’ll send you a naughty sexy photo of herself so that you can fap to it later.

There are other bits to GTA V (i.e. two stock exchanges, a satirical amalgamation of Google, Apple and Facebook called Life Invader, and Bleeter – a parody of the real world’s Twitter). But surely no one cares if there’s a dedicated virtual strip club to spend all your money in.

Definitely, spend all your money on this.

 4. Woman has sex with dog, husband films and posts it online. Surprisingly, couple is later arrested.

Yep. Apparently she did everything with the dog “that is done with any other human man”.

“How could anyone do this to me? Oh, the humanity. I am a sad dog.”

 5. Research says that technology makes you better at sex.

Yes, wearable technologies such as Google Glass are used by more than 20 per cent of Australians to enhance their sex lives.

The only way that I can think of using wearable technology is to have a GTA V strip club scene in the corner of my eye during sex so that you can imagine bigger boobs. Is that just me?

Find Google Glass at your nearest Sexyland in 2014

6. Justin Bieber has had at least one blow job in his life or really likes lollies.

Justin Bieber is no stranger when it comes to swallowing hard challenges, and obviously feels the pressure at the back of his head to be objectifying women in order to be taken seriously as an artist. In his new song, he sings urgently:

She say she love my lolly
She wanna make it pop
She say she love my lolly
She wanna kiss the top

And:

Got a piece of candy and it’s all for you

And:

Windows down, speakers loud, look down at my sneakers now

But also:

Let’s just admit that I’m the bestest

It’s the last line that makes me think maybe Bieber just really just likes lollies, because seriously, who over the age of 12 says “bestest”?

Phallic symbol? Surely not, says Justin.

In other (sexy) news …

Tony Abbott reveals he is a sexist.

ACT move to legalise same sex marriage.

Thirteen Australian same ex couples go to New Zealand to say “I Do”.

Putin still hates homosexuals.

Australian Sex Party want to legalise hemp in Tasmania.

Samantha Winnicki

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