Slow news week? Nothing interesting to read about? Never fear! This week, I went and found some weird and/or interesting news stories from the week that was.
Doctors have discovered a dangerous trend in which wheelie bins have come to life and are attacking the elderly and frail.
Often perceived as harmless, handy, friendly giants that live on the streets, wheelie bins have been dubbed death machines (by me) after discoveries of their repeated attacks against the frail and elderly.
These death machines have zoned in on knuckles as the Achilles heel of the elderly and frail, with most bin related injuries leaving hands injured.
Doctors have recommended a small redesign in wheelie bins – which involves a hand cover – but in my professional opinion, the bins should just be covered in a crap load of bubble wrap. Because that would be a lot funnier to look at.
The above design would be a far better alternative to wheelie bins everywhere because it has a turtle on top, as well as bubble wrap.
Note: Wheelie bins have never actually killed anyone.
PLAYSTATION 4: BROUGHT TO YOU BY INTERNSHIPS IN CHINA
Students of the future! Bright! Smart! Clever! Intelligent! Indeed, that’s definitely what Foxconn, manufacturers of Playstation 4 believe. That’s why they’re getting a bunch of engineering students to work at the assembly line of the new gaming console as an internship.
The best bit about it is that while the internship isn’t compulsory, engineering students will effectively fail their entire course if they don’t do it. Don’t call it a threat; call it motivation!
But wait, there’s more! These engineering students are doing exactly the same thing as line workers: gluing things, boxing cables, putting stickers on various items, etc. Some might even say that Foxconn has recruited these students because of dwindling numbers in factory work. And what better way to save money than paying highly skilled engineering interns at the low, low price of internship salary!
“On Fridays, we wear pink!” – FoxconnSMELLING PEANUT BUTTER: MORE THAN JUST DELICIOUS
A graduate student from the University of Florida has somehow managed to work out that sniffing peanut butter assists in diagnosing Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia. How does anyone even work that out?
Basically, you sniff peanut butter with one nostril, and then you sniff it with another nostril. If your left nostril is significantly weaker than the other nostril, it’s a really strong sign that you might have Alzheimer’s.
This test hasn’t been completely cleared by the authoritative body of doctors, but things are looking good for the peanut butter sniffing test – it provides accurate results pretty much every time. Try it for yourself today!
Pro tip: once you are done with sniffing your peanut butter, I highly recommend eating it on toast with honey and banana.
But seriously, do it.While I prefer to call it a gaydar, it’s actually some unidentified device that seeks out transsexual people – at airports – so that they can’t get into countries.
Kuwait, country of the gaydar invention, is a slightly conservative country: homosexual acts can be punished by an imprisonment up to ten years. So, there’s that.
One can only imagine the celebrations when they invented this gaydar. Kuwait hasn’t really revealed how they’re identifying transsexuals, so I have taken it upon myself to work out possible options of how they’ve created such technology:
1. They actually got people to be gaydars. This would mean that they haven’t actually invented new technology. Rather, they just found people who are super good at picking up on people who are gay, and keeping them at airport doors.
2. Kuwait has found out that there actually is a DNA structure that defines your sex and/or gender. If Kuwait has found this out, then not only are they scientific geniuses, but they’re also stealing DNA and testing it. Is that legal?
3. Super scanning devices that only look for genitals. This is problematic; however, because what if there are transsexuals who haven’t had a sex change yet?
Thus, I conclude that Kuwait is crazy and need to get up to date with the rest of the world.
Possibly Kuwait said something like this before inventing their gaydarPEOPLE AFFECTED BY THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN GET A LOAD OF FREE STUFF!
In America, about 800,000 citizens are still out of work because the U.S. Government is still in shut down because no one can agree with anyone else.
Now that it’s been more than a week of government shut down, people are starting to make jokes and do funny things because of it.
One gaming store, called Good Old Games is giving away games for free to those who have been furloughed.
The best part about it is the games that they picked: Capitalism (because well, 'MERICA); Theme Hospital (Healthcare reforms, Obamacare, etc); and Redneck Rampage (because apparently this store doesn’t like Republicans).
To get your free games, you need to send an email to [email protected], which is the most incredible email to create in such a situation.
In other news …
1. The Palmer United Party continues to be a joke, and create alliance with the Motoring Enthusiasts party in the Senate. I can't wait for government.
2. Ariel Castro might have died because he was trying to masturbate in jail.
4. All the known Hell's Angels properties got raided. A giant gate got smashed.
5. A lonely planet has been detected and everything genuinely thinks it's super cute.
Samantha Winnicki
