Catalyst Magazine consults a local fortune-teller, Mystic Bertha, for all its important decisions (share market plays, tinder swipes etc.) and she has agreed to share her wisdom with our readers.
Her only demand is she presents horoscopes instead of readers’ questions. The stars hold only answers.
ARIES March 21 – April 20
The moon’s shadow has fallen across Mars and the Sun is absorbing the light from Jupiter. Those protein shakes aren’t working, so stop doing dead lifts.
TAURUS April 21 – May 21
You may encounter a plucky Gemini in this season and you will fall for them. Get prepared for nice dinners, long walks and long stares into each other’s eyes. They are a false prophet, only Cthulhu gives the gift of love and you are not worthy.
GEMINI May 22 – June 21
Neptune has entered a dance with Pisces and Jupiter’s moons are emitting a strange magnetism. This means Graham was due back with the mescaline three hours ago.
CANCER June 22 – July 23
Seriously. Where’s Graham?
LEO July 24 – August 23
You will soon find yourself embodied with an extreme passion. Embrace it. While the moon’s shadow on Mars is bad news for Aries, it can only be good for you. A new baby in your life will be born with a healthy extra hoof.
VIRGO August 24 – September 23
What’s this? A strut in your step? You will begin to feel better about past regrets and are buoyantly able to embrace the now. This is important. When Obama gives you the signal, attack the postman.
LIBRA September 24 – October 23
An old flame will return to your life as Pluto weaves between Mercury and Uranus. This will give you a chance to try again and maybe you should? You’re not going anywhere, your degree is a joke and it turns out the Mormons were right.
SCORPIO October 24 – November 22
Time to dust off that cook book. Venus has reached deplorable new lows and this only means your tastebuds are suddenly nuanced to the most subtle of flavours. Just a touch of lime. Just a touch of rosemary. Now the baby is ready to eat, all glory to Cthulhu.
SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22
Police found an Adelaide man at his home in late stages of decomposition. Police estimate his body was perhaps on the couch they found him for several months before a local dog complained about the smell. Later investigations revealed he was a Sagittarius.
CAPRICORN December 23 – January 20
With Saturn’s rings at half speed now is the perfect time to shake up that schedule. Sleep in a bit later, tape cardboard over the windows, install triple bolts on the doors. Those sirens, are they for you? It’s hard to tell. Get the gun.
AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19
Every now and then the stars fog and it’s hard to tell what’s in store for Aquarius, but for some reason it always turns out well. Move some furniture around the house, get a flow happening, fresh air means fresh thoughts. Then suddenly, a dark thought – did she have to take the kids too?
PISCES February 20 – March 20
While dancing with Neptune you are awash with ecstacy and also imbibing it. It’s probably best to remind yourself you can’t actually dance with planets so put your pants back on and get off the roof, you’re upsetting the children.