Conundrums with Simsational—advice from Simone West

1 Posted by - 02/07/2018 - Features

Words by Simone West @simwest7

When I’m in a movie, I never know which armrest is mine, or how to go about claiming my armrest. What’s social protocol? – Dani

Chances are, you had to sell a kidney in offer to afford the cinema ticket, as well as popcorn and $6 water. So you deserve that armrest. I like to show up two hours beforehand, to make sure I get it. Consider investing in adult diapers, because it’s going to be a long wait before the movie is over. Also, a great tip is to pretend you work at the cinema so you get first pick of the seats. I once cleaned up popcorn and took wine glasses from patrons from the session before mine in order to suss out the space. If you can’t get there early, just be aggressive. Elbow your neighbour if you have to, just to assert your dominance. May the best cinematic fan win.

I don’t come into uni all the way from Geelong to socialise, I just want to get my degree. But on my first day, I accidentally made friends with the leader of a social group. They always invite me out and force me to go out for drinks after. I really don’t know how to tell them I hate them. – Geoff

Endure it. Invite them to your wedding. Set your kids up with their kids when they turn 18. Be the cool godparent. Before you know it, years will have gone by and they’ll be dead. Deliver their eulogy, and then you can finally tell the world how you actually thought they were a horrible person. Make sure you don’t die before them though! That way you can get this all off your chest and finally live your life.

I have always waxed or shaved my legs, as I used to cycle regularly, but recently a guy I have been seeing told me he would prefer if I was hairy. I feel like this could be very liberating for me. I’d like to embrace my natural self but I’m a bit scared of what other people will say! – Charlie

Firstly, you should never do anything just because your partner wants you to. You do you. That said, remember human beings are very selfish by nature. I very rarely shave my legs these days and let me tell you – no one says anything – not my barista, not my electrician, not the men I am dating. Because NO ONE CARES. Everyone is too busy thinking or worrying about themselves. Like me, for instance. Why am I answering all of your questions? I have other things to do. I need to sleep, eat, take my vitamins, text boys back, etc. It’s hard being me. But you wouldn’t understand that, would you? All you care about is yourself. Own it, though. Love yourself, and trust me, nothing can go wrong.

If you would like to consult Simsational on your own conundrums, shoot a message through to facebook.com/rmitcatalyst or insta dm us @rmitcatalyst.

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